Last night we went into London to see a recording of 'Have I got News For You?' Good show this weekm worth watching when it's on tonight (repeated Monday, I think). The Host was Jeremy Clarkson, with Julia Hartley-Brewer (political editor on the daily express, yes, they do politics) on Ian Hislop's team, and Mark Steel on Paul Merton's team. If you ever get a chance to see them, 'The Mark Steel lectures' are great bits of telly, they're not 100% correct in every detail, but they're generally pretty good and are very funny.
Anyway, here's some selected quotes from the recording (as near as I can get them):
Clarkson: I have given up smoking, so you'd all better be well behaved. --- TITLES Paul Merton dances to opening titles (in his chair) --- Hislop (on the Prescott playing croquet whilst running the country): I do think it would've been more terrifying if Prescott had been working. --- Clarkson (on a photo of Cliff Richard going on Holiday): He's not gay.... he's not gay on a startling scale. --- Clarkson: ...they'd like to see a woman in the Deputy Prime Minister's Office.... ... well, we all know where that one's going. --- Clarkson: I'm not used to autocue, I'm 46. I can't read that far.... You know what it says there? 'Paul and Mark answer'.... so fucking answer! --- Hislop (on Big Brother): I enjoyed watching Galloway in it. --- Clarkson: How many bodily fluids do you expect Michael Winner has eaten in his life? (this was about Michael Winner's role as a restaurant critic).
There was a nice story at this point about Michael Winner's cigars. It went that he'd made himself so unpopular with the crew that there was a suggestion that everyone should take a cigar, stick it up their bottom and return it to the box. Nobody refused.... or so the story went. --- Clarkson: Round 3 is the odd one out... round...... that doesn't make any sense, I wouldn't write it like that! --- Julia Hartley-Brewer: Can I talk about your other co-presenter, James May? (there had been a few James Hammond gags) Clarkson: Please do! JHB: About his hairdo - I had the same hairdo when I was four - and I'm a girl! --- Clarkson: I'll start again, I'm going to get it right this time - watch --- JHB: Can I just say that I'm worried I might give birth before the end of the show? Clarkson: Am I beating Vorderman? No, 10 minutes to go. (Carol Vorderman presented last week) --- Clarkson (on the complaints about noise from the ex-aerodrome where 'Top Gear' is recorded): It used to be a World War 2 base, and then a Harrier base, and we've arrived with our little 1.2 and it's 'Ooooh, get the noise!'.... Fuck 'em! (Top gear is recorded as Dunsfold aerodrome in Surrey) --- Clarkson: Oh, I don't know, I'm rambling now. Merton: Unusual for you to leave the car behind. --- Clarkson: Your dog's dead, Jeremy, your dog's dead. (trying to regain composure after making a joke about gassing badgers, something which he has got into trouble for previously, iirc) --- Clarkson: I'd like to thank Ian Hislop and Julia Hartley-Brewer, Paul Martin and Mark Steel. Merton: Paul who? That's my real name. I don't mind. --- PICKUPS (I.e. reshooting the links for editing if needed) Merton told 'the Barry Cryer joke', didn't give it quite the same emphasis as I heard it told before. --- Clarkson (before doing a reshoot of a link): Earlier on you were kind enough to laugh at the jokes in this. I'd like to think that they've matured and become funnier. --- Clarkson: Oh, you want me to say Merton this time? --- Mark Steel (on Top Gear being shown in hotels throughout the world): So... do you have to do a pornographic version of 'Top Gear'? --- (The last thing was to record a trailer) Merton: They're not going to put that out, are they? Clarkson: They are now, because I'm going to refuse to do another one!