Courtesy of ‘Paramount 2′, we’re rediscovering the joy that is ‘Goodness Gracious Me‘. It didn’t hit the mark every time, but there’s a hell of a lot of good stuff in there. Tonight’s episode had Sanjeev Bhaskar’s "Skipinder: The Punjabi Kangaroo", which was just inspired.

Skipinder essentially took episodes of ‘Skippy’ and dubbed them so that he sounded ike an alcoholic Punjabi.

‘Going for an English‘ was their ‘Dead Parrot’ sketch, but other things tickle my fancy more. I have soft spots for several Sanjeev Bhaskar characters, the Guru Maharishi Yogi for one (roughly translated this is meaning….) and also ‘Indian‘ guy (Superman? Indian! He runs faster than a speeding train… there’s only one country you can run faster than the train!)
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Date: 2nd January, 2006
Place: Kolkata

The 1st was a day for travel. We had breakfast and checked out, then took the taxi to kasba (the guy tried it on by overcharging, but was refreshingly upfront about it saying “I’m requesting a little more…” - he had been very helpful, and he hadn’t tried to rip us off so he got the extra).

We ate lunch at the flat, and lots of photos were taken.

The farewell was quite tearful, and as we left I said ‘abar daka hobay’ (আবার দাকা হোবায), meaning ‘we’ll meet again’. This caused everyone to smile and cheer, mostly at my Bengali!

Anupam came to the station with us, seeing us safely onto the Rajdhani express. Again, we travelled first class here (and it’s well worth it on such a long journey).

The journey was overnight, and they looked after us on the train, with linen, meals and so forth.

We stayed at the same hotel in Delhi as before, the Hotel Ajanta, and knew exactly where we were headed, so on arrival we walked purposely, ignoring the calls of ‘Auto, sir?’ and ‘Taxi, sir?’

We arrived in short order, it’s very close to the station - that was one of the reasons we chose it!

At the hotel, we hired a car for the day to take us around Delhi. As we were going around New Delhi too, it cost a little more - the sum of 600Rs, about 7 quid. Bargain.

We started by going to the Red Fort. We weren’t able to go in previously as it was late, this time it was Monday, it’s closed on Monday. Still, we wanted a daylight visit. A good vantage point is at the end of Chadni Chowk and there is an interesting looking Jain Temple there too.

From there we went to Raj Ghat.

This was the place where Mahatma Ghandi was cremated. There are quotations all around the place in various languages, There are Ghandi quotes in Hindi, Urdu, Gujurati, Spanish, English, Zuli, Telugu and others, but no Bengali (that we could see). There were some works going on, so maybe the Bengali has yet to appear.

We then went to Humayan’s tomb, probably one of Delhi’s best kept secrets. This is a huge complex, and it had very few visitors on the day we went. The tomb pre-dates the Taj Mahal, and one can see the architectural connection. It’s essentially a sandstone Taj. The place isn’t just the main tomb, there are outbuildings, each one is a fine piece of architecture in it’s own right.

In some places, the walls can be explored, though this is a little hairy.

It’s a great place to visit, though at one point tour guides did try to thrust themselves upon us, which I didn’t appreciate - though Monica did listen to what one bloke had to say.

Humayun’s tomb is much more peaceful than the Taj due to there being fewer people, although it doesn’t quite have the same magic the Taj has, probably due to the marble the Taj Mahal is made from.

From here, we went to India Gate, it may look just like the Arc de Triomphe or Marble Arch, but the thing is huge. As it’s at the end of the Raj path, it needs to be big to be clearly visible from the President’s estate and government buildings!

New Delhi (as opposed to Old Delhi) is a planned city, built symmetrically about the Raj Path.

At the suggestion of our driver, we went to the Shri Lakshna Narayan Temple, this was very beautiful, with Swastikas everywhere (the Swastika was appropriated by the Nazis, but is actually a much older symbol ). It’s not possible to take photos inside the temple without causing offence and being ejected, so all I have to show you, dear reader, is a shot taken from the road outside.

The place is phenomenal, shrines to various Hindu Deities, enscriptions on the walls, and so forth.

As we left, a rather persistant chap tried to sell us all kinds of stuff. He simply wouldn’t take ‘no’ for an answer, following us down the street and through the underpass (the car was waiting on the far side). He was really very annoying, and started to make me quite angry. His prices dropped phenomenally, he was soon asking for a third of his original price, effectively saying ‘I just tried to rip you off massively’. I don’t like that - if he had asked for the real price in the first place, he may have got a sale, but harrassing us like that made me want to hit him!

In the temple itself we bought a couple of items, I got a pencil tidy for my desk at work, and Monica got some earrings.

We finished the day by visiting the Cottage Industries Emporium. This was the usual sort of affair, textiles, jewellery and so forth.

I got a light scarf which should be good for the winter (50% silk, 50% pashmina) - though it was hard to find one that wasn’t too over the top for my male European tastes. The colour isn’t ideal, but it’s not bad at all - it cost only 350Rs (about 4 quid). We looked at a few other bits and pieces, Monica spent some time looking at some handpainted pictures, but didn’t buy any.

We went back to the hotel, eating at the Hotel Ajanta. To start, we each had Masala Papad (popadoms topped with spicy vegetables). Monica had a spicy soup and chow mein, I had seekh kebab with paneer parantha. We had a desert too. The whole lot, including a tip for the waiter and three bottles of water was 350Rs!

A note about water in India, be sure to check the seals of bottles when you buy - and don’t buy bottles that look a bit battered. Also, when you’re finished, crush the bottle. There is a mini-industry of people who collect old waterbottles and fill them from a tap of dubious quality.

The next day we would take a car to the airport and fly back to the UK. I took my chadoor on the flight, as it packed quite small, suitable for hand luggage, and would both be a nice blanket if I wanted to sleep, as well as being warm when I got off the plane in January in the UK.

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Date: 31st December, 2005
Place: Kolkata

Monica was a little unwell in the morning, which was a bit of an inconvenience. Anupam arrived at around noon with some medicine for her. The plan for the day was to go to ‘Science City’ , but instead we went straight to Monica’s Mum’s flat. On the way, we saw a poor chap with leprosy, a truly horrible disease. The skin on his hand had gone, leaving the flesh raw and exposed. At the hotel, there was a donation box for leprosy relief, and I made sure that we put a chunk of change in there. Apparently the disease is quite difficult to catch, it needs a depressed immune system.

We popped into the flats of Monica’s aunties today, seeing Shejomashi (third aunt) and then Boromashi (elder aunt).

Shejomashi was quite concerned that I was not to be bitten by mosquitos, and so fanned me for the whole time I was there!

Back at the hotel, we were not really up to partying the night away - we had a long day of travel ahead, and we were both a bit under the weather. A loud party at the back of the hotel did not keep us awake. Vey boring, but very necessary.

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Date: Friday, 30th December, 2005
Place: Kolkata

It was quite relaxed today, I took Monica out for a walk in the morning. We went down Camac Street and Shakespeare Sarani to a photo-processing shop, we wanted to get some prints for Monica’s family. We then walked back down Shakespeare Sarani and turned onto Lord Sinha Street, going to the Gmami centre, specifically to the bookshop on the top floor.

We had a browse, Monica bought a couple of Rabindranath Tagore titles, and I bought a camera case as the zip had failed on my old one.

At the hotel, I had a fun time cashing a travellers cheque. They only had very low denominations available, and so I had to wait for the safe.

Monica took a bath, and I went hunting for postcards - not easy in Kolkata - it’s not really geared up for tourists! I went down AJC Bose Rd, then turned right and walked past St. Paul’s and the Birla Planetarium, where we’d been a few days before. No luck, I walked back on Shakespeare Sarani, and on a whim went into the Landmark bookstore in the shopping centre on Lord Sinha street and found some.

When I returned, Monica was ready to go, and so we headed to the flat for the afternoon.

In the evening, we decided to pack, so we wouldn’t be rushing to do so on New Year’s Eve, or New Year’s day itself. Then we went down to ‘The Polo Bar’. This was pretty much the same as the previous time, we wrote a few postcards, listened to the Phillipino band murder some quite good tunes and so forth. Tonight, there was a belly dancer, who came with her own security guard.

To me, he resembled a member of an Indian tribute band for The Village People.

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Date: Thursday 29th December, 2005
Place: Still in Kolkata

Anupam and Barnali met us at the hotel at about half nine, and we took a cab to the Hooghly River (thankfully the medicines we had taken that morning saw us through the day). I think it was near Millennium park where we caught the boat.

We travelled across the Hooghly, travelling away from the Howrah Bridge. The previous day I had seen this boat heaving with people, and was concerned that it’d be like that - but it was out of rush hour, and so it was not a problem and we had a pleasant trip - though the pollution was quite something.

At the far bank, we walked up to the main road and caught another cab to the Botanical Gardens, it was quite some way. The Botanical Gardens are huge, we only saw a fraction of them, and like most things in India, tourists are charged a higher rate than nationals.

In the gardens there are lakes, birds and (to European eyes) some strange plants.

One of the highlights is the great Banyan tree. From a distance, the Banyan looks like a small forest, but it’s actually one tree. It looks like many tree trunks whose branches have grown into each other, connecting the trunks. Everything you can see in these photos is one tree. The weird thing is that the entire tree has grown downwards to meet the ground from the sky - what looks like trunks are actually aerial roots.

This sounds impossible, what actually happens is that the tree starts to grow as usual, and then sends out horizontal branches. As these spread, they tend to collapse under their own weight, so they send down tendrils toward the ground, the aerial roots. When these touch the ground they begin to ‘flesh out’ and provide both nutrients and structural support. In the case of the great Banyan Tree, the original trunk that grew upwards was diseased and removed. All that’s now left are the aerial roots.

The whole tree is some 430m in circumference, and still growing.

We walked in the Botanical gardens some more, stopping for some lunch (I didn’t want any, but Anupam insisted I ate, so I had some crisps - I could face no more). By the time we took the boat back, the air had cleared somewhat, we could see people on the banks of the river washing clothes and themselves, and also we could see the bridges clearly, and the other river traffic.

The cab ride to Monica’s Mum’s was rather depressing. Unlike Agra, Delhi and Jaipur, Kolkata had been pretty hassle-free, but at one junction when the car stopped there was a small boy, followed by a disabled guy, then a blind guy, literally feeling his way from car to car asking for cash. All the advice tourists are given is not to hand out any money, for several reasons. This is all very well in principle, but rather different in practice when faced with such abject poverty. I found myself quietly shedding a tear.

At the flat I went to sleep rather rapidly, and I wasn’t in the mood for food. One of the neighbours came in with some noodles which they had prepared for us - and it would have been rude not to accept. Then Kalpana produced a fish curry, I think they called it a Chilli-fish. It tasted like chicken.

It was the best fish curry to date. To my surprise the whole meal went down very well, I really didn’t feel like eating beforehand, but am glad I did.

Back at the Hotel (Hotel Hindustan International), we decided to go for a drink and went down to the ‘Polo Bar’. This is billed as an ‘English Pub with a live Phillipino band’. They had a mix of songs, ranging from ‘Every Breath you take’ to Bollywood.

So, we were in an English Pub, with a Phillipino band, playing Hindi songs, in Kolkata, where the main language is Bengali.

Unfortunately the only beer they had was Heineken. So I did the only reasonable thing for an Englishman abroad in India - I had a Gin and Tonic (extra Quinine, dontchaknow, anti-malarial).

The waiter was particularly good, he was constantly scanning the room, and when he saw a customer running low on nibbles, they were topped up before the customer even noticed they were low, when a customer fumbled with a cigarette, he was there with a light. (A shame about the amount of smoke in the bar, but with all that pollution outside, what’s a little more?)

The trick I couldn’t work out was how to stop him before he replenished our snacks!